i've just been postponed, i've not been dumped

I was obviously annoyed with L for cancelling, I sent him some messages saying stuff like “all you had to do was tell me this morning you couldn’t come” etc. Then I got very scared and depressed when he started sending messages that could easily be taken the wrong way, for example:

“I’m sorry, was just trying to be nice but made things worse for myself”

“I’d made it into a big deal, not normally a big fat wuss. If only I could turn it to look sweet and say I didn’t want to hurt your feelings”

That’s the one I could take the wrong way, i.e. dumping me, it’s easy to read it that way. Anyway, I got him to ring me up just to check this point, and he started saying similar things down the phone to me (and he didn’t sound ill at all to be honest).

Then just to make it clear I said “look, what do you mean? Would you have come this weekend if you weren’t ill? Cos it sounds like you’re trying to let me down gently here”.

And he said, wait for it.... “oh no far from it!! It never even crossed my mind for a second. I’ll come round next weekend with a big fat bottle of red wine, and a pillow [I told him my pillows were rubbish and he said he’d get me a new one ;)], and make it up to you”.

Phew. I like him so much, can’t believe how much in such a short time. I don’t like getting disappointed, and for some people it’s hard to claw their way back up once they have disappointed me. I’m sure though if he disappoints me again I won’t want to see him. But I hope he doesn’t. I hope this week goes by quickly and then next Saturday I’ll see him, he may even stay over, and I’ll be smiley again.

I miss having a boyfriend actually. I don’t like to admit it because I’m a bit of an advocate of being single – I love it. But having a bf has its upsides too. All this year, since Damian last year, I haven’t wanted a bf. Just not been interested. I think it’s partly because of how it ended, I haven’t wanted to get close to anyone since then. But it was also just because I wanted to be single again – for no other reason than I like being on my own. It means you don't have to bother about how someone else feels, and you can have crappy days without having to make it up to someone after.

During my foundation year I just would much rather stay on my own and do my work, and I really haven’t missed being in a couple at all. Plus I never met anyone that was good enough to give my time to. Plus I knew I was going away to uni soon and couldn't get properly involved with someone. But I think meeting someone soooo nice as Laurence has really made me want to be part of something again. Having someone that likes you that much and wants to see you as often as they can. To be there for you and know everything about you. I miss that part.

I’ve never been in love. I Hate to admit that one. I’ve never been with a truly gorgeous man. They’ve always been ‘good enough’. Mr Right Now hehehe! I mean, I’ve liked them all – I’m not saying I didn’t or that I didn’t think they were attractive. ‘good enough’ is good enough, surprisingly enough! Hehe! But Laurence is Truly gorgeous. I would love him to ask me out – I would love him if we did go out actually, it’s highly likely. As long as he understood how important my work is.

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself a little, but I just have a feeling about him.