i’m not feeling it somehow

All day I’ve been thinking about and remembering my weekend. I’ve been thinking all sorts of lovely things, and even thinking of telling Laurence I was on the brink of falling for him.

I just talked to him on the phone, and I’m not feeling it. I’ve lost it again somehow. In a way I regret the weekend and I don’t know why. Because it wasn’t worth it? Because thinking about it was better than doing it? When I saw him this time he didn’t seem as gorgeous as I thought when I first saw him. After our first date I could have easily called him the most gorgeous man in the world. Now I don’t know. He’s ok, he is good looking, but I don’t know.

I don’t know why it’s so easy for me to lose it this way. I must have written at least 10 times – boomerang messages, I like him, I don’t – it’s like petals off a flower! :P

I want to know whether he sees me as his ‘girlfriend’ – I want him to ask me to be his girlfriend actually. But then in the same breath I don’t want to ask that kind of question because I don’t want to be his girlfriend. I don’t know what I want, I’m confused. I feel like I used him and for nothing. I feel like I used him and I’m the one feeling used and that just doesn’t make any sense!

I remember after the phone call last Thursday I was happy and smiley – more smiley than I’ve been in ages. It even made me excited all of Friday. Ever since then the feeling is gone. The phone call tonight didn’t make me smiley. It didn’t do anything. I’m not happy tonight as it is – what with work, everyone being fcuking stupid outside in the corridor again so I can’t even concentrate on work, them all going out clubbing and leaving me here, me going down to talk to people and them not even realising when I walked out of the room.

Maybe that’s all it is – I can’t expect him to be able to fix all my troubles. I don’t know whether I should start something with him. I do get excited sometimes if I really think about me and him together, and he is a really nice guy. But is he just another ‘good enough’ guys? I like him cos he’s the same age as me and he sort of ‘saves me’ from the little teenagers I spend my life with. I remember at one point during the weekend I must have said something like “am I going to see you again, can I trust you?” and he said “we’re not 18 anymore” – that really struck a chord with me.

I think I should take the plunge. All that can happen is it doesn’t work out, and that could happen anyway whatever happened. I’m a bit worried about the distance. The distance when I live here is quite far, when I go home it’ll be ridiculous. Don’t know if I want a long distance thing again. What made me love him between 3pm and 5pm this afternoon?