let's get some things "straight"

Ok. Last shred of dignity, last shred of any mystery in my life.

Well maybe.

In this post I will be discussing some quite personal aspects of my life, so just read it and I don’t really except any response or answers or anything but you can if you like. Feel free to ask questions but don’t expect in depth answers I might not feel like it.

It’s about men and women. Me and men and women.

I have only been on dates with men. I have only kissed men. I have only had sex with men. I have only fancied men.

But.

I have always had an “appreciation” of the female form. Of women in general. I do like women. I don’t have many, scratch that, any women friends. Hell, I don’t even have men friends any more – it’s all exs or ex snogs, ex fancyings, any man I am in contact with has some connection with sex and that means they can never be a complete friend.

Anyway.

I’m not a lesbian. I don’t even think I’m a bi. However, if a woman asked me to kiss her I would say yes. If a woman asked me to go further than that I would seriously consider it, on a woman by woman basis (of course).

I like some famous women. Classic (false) beauties, whose falseness makes them different from reality. e.g. Angelina Jolie. Phew, shmoking.

Anyway!

I believe that I will know more about this when I am in more close contact with people again. AND when I make some women friends. Only then will I know whether what I crave is the company of other females as companions, or whether I want something more.

I have never fancied a ‘real’ woman. That is, I have never fancied someone I know. Not like it is with men – when I was at school I had crushes all the time. I believe that if I was lesbian or bi that it would be the same as it is with getting a crush on a man.

Having said that, sometimes I’ve seen a woman on the street or on a bus and wished I was able to fancy her properly. That doesn’t make much sense to me written down – it’s hard to explain, other than using the phrase I “appreciated her” again.

I have a good relationship with my mum – we can talk about anything openly and have a good laugh together, and I would Love to have this kind of thing with more people – other girls who are like me.

I do fancy men. Lately my sex drive has been ‘waning’ a little. Only because I’m a bit bored (with life in general) and there have been no tangible men available, my source of internet men has been quite rubbish lately too. I used to have cyber sex a lot but I haven’t done that in a while, I haven’t wanted any of it. I haven’t wanted to look for people, not to date or flirt with or ....anything.

I have thought that maybe I've been thinking this way Because I haven't fancied a man in a while - my thoughts have been leaning towards “maybe I'm looking in the wrong place”.

I had the chance of another date with that guy I went out with in May, I turned him down. He wasn’t good enough to waste my time getting all dressed up. Dating is hard work, and I have to really want it to spend my good 2 hours getting ready for it.

All I can say is only the future holds the key. Maybe I’ll make friends with someone who can help me sort all this out. Maybe I’ll do something with a woman and see if it feels like anything, and if it doesn’t I’ll know the answer.