life.....don't talk to me about life

The title is a quote from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by the way.

I just got back from a sort of date with Neil. He’s this guy I’ve known from the sixth form at school, who liked me but never talked to me, we went out for the first time four years ago, and I’ve always liked him ever since. We go out occasionally, always trying to be friends and yet somehow never being just friends.

I think we like each other too much for that to be possible.

I like him more than any other man I’ve known. And I know that I have a whole chunk of life yet to live, but still, it feels important to me that everything seems to be right with him. He’s gorgeous, kind, steady, generous, cute, a nice man all round. And I’ve liked and fancied him for over four years now.

We’ve never got together, simply because the timing has never been right. We’ve always been at different stages in our lives and I don’t know, life gets in the way maybe.

I don’t know what love is and I think those who do and those who have it are lucky people. But this is a pretty close call. He’s always the only one that does everything right.

I don’t know how he feels. He has a “soft spot” for me, apparently. But he’s never asked me to be his girlfriend. And I know he’s had other girlfriends in between seeing me, even though we never talk about it (I hear from mutual friends). I know hearing that from another person I would assume he just uses me.

But it’s different when it’s me. I know there’s more to it than what I have written here. I know there is more to what he feels that I have mentioned, and that I haven’t asked him or discussed it.

I know that I compare people to him. If I’m on a date I think of all the reasons why he isn’t Neil. It’s not fair on anyone to do that, the guy, me or Neil himself. I know if I meet someone and he becomes a boyfriend I’ll wonder if he’s better than him.

I think maybe sometimes I blow it out of proportion, really he’s nothing special, that he does use me, that there’s nothing between us but a physical attraction, some kisses, some dates. But four years? And the feeling never goes away? I don’t think, oh it’s only Neil – I’m over him. I’m never over him, and maybe I never will be.

I think I love him and what if I never get to be with him. What does that say for me or the people I may go out with. What if my time never comes and I’ve been waiting for nothing.

I would rather have him for the little time I have, than not at all or never again. I’d rather leave things as they are than to ask if he loves me and him say no.

I love his chin dimple :P