first real post

Well. After seeing various other people's blogs I've decided to do one of my own.

Some people's RRReally annoy me "I got up, had a piece of toast..." blah blah why should we care, but sometimes you like to know these little things about people that you may not find out normally.

Sometimes there are things you can only tell yourself.

So, with that bit of waffle in mind...umm....yeah, this is me. I'm an art student at a little college near me, for a couple more months, then it's on to the big wide world of university. Which is going to be down south but don't know exactly where yet.

I plan to put some pics up here of some of my stuff, have to downsize them and put some kind of water mark over them first so might take a while. I'm basically a painter or trying to be.

Think that's why I started this today. In a mini crisis, not the first but there ya go.

I like art, most of the time. Sometimes I love art. Sometimes all I can think of is working, painting, sketchbook work, going out and drawing, getting stuck into one project or another. It's my life. And then other times like now, it seems sort of pointless.

I mean, what is it that I actually do? Paint little pictures that aren't that good anyway. I'm no Picasso or Da Vinci!

Works not going so good today. I know I'm only learning and I know it's a long, steep road ahead and I might Never get to the top. But it's still hard to think that this thing is based on people liking you (if you know making art at all you'll know there's you in every piece so it is 'you' they have to like) and there's a million people out there doing the same thing as you and most of them are better at it.

This isn't like studying to be a doctor. There's no Need to be an artist. You have to have a passion and a talent but at the end of the day when it came down to it a doctor is a more worth while person!

I work, constantly. I'm not the stereotypical art student who sees it as a good skive. Even when i'm not doing, I'm thinking about doing. Yesterday I said to myself I would have the day off. No art. I had a bath, watched a film (hehe - Girl With a Pearl Earring - real break from art ya know?) read a bit and did cross stitch.

Then last night I was lying awake in bed thinking, "would it matter if I didn't do anymore work all holiday?" (I go back Monday) and I had to admit - the answer is no. I've done about 14 pieces in 4 weeks, and all the back up notes BS and evaluations which are sooo boring.

But that's not the total point. I could say "there's no need to do any more" but what I mean is "there's no Point to do any more". It's hard to explain, but it felt meaningless.

Our course is marked on Pass, Merit or Distinction. I had a tutorial with my tutor and the basic outcome of it was that I can't get a distinction with my talent so far. Which is fair enough. But that means that no matter how much work I do or effort I put in, I'm still feels like I'm knocking on the ceiling of a Merit. My work is Enough for a Distinction, but I can't get one because my painting isn't good enough.

That's what was meaningless. I could stop right now and get a Merit. Or I could carry on and get....a Merit. Maybe a "higher" Merit but it's still the same. That just spells average to me. If only two people on our course get a Distinction that means they stand out from the crowd. All the Passes and Merits just fade into each other.

Today I haven't done anything new. I went through my work so far (seascapes on various surfaces). Then I thought, if I didn't have all this work to do, if it just wasn't an issue - what would I do with my life? And for about 10mins I sat there with only one answer - nothing.

Why is art so important? Why has it become the only thing I do?