now I’m Entirely confused

All this week I’ve been getting cute messages from L. the most commonly used phrase is “I’m thinking about you”.

I don’t know exactly what that means, cos to me being thought about is all well and good – yeah, think about me, knock yourself out, but what I really want is to be with him – for his thoughts to be “oh it’s only 2 more days til I see her, omg wish these days would go by quicker”.

Basically, he hasn’t said he wants to see me this weekend – and I haven’t asked cos I’m too scared. Scared I won’t be able to take it if he says no. If the answer is no, I’d rather leave it unsaid, I’d be able to get over it better that way.

From past experience this is how it works for me. If things are said outright, for example “I don’t love you” – there’s absolutely NO doubt there, and that hurts a lot. “I don’t want to see you” – it’s just painful, and raises all kinds of questions especially “why not?”.

Last night I left my phone off for most of the evening. I didn’t want to hear from anyone, I wanted to be alone, I didn’t want to be constantly checking my phone – it felt like I was on hold waiting for him and I don’t want to be like that. I turned it on and found that he had rung me up but not left a message.

This series of texts happened last night and this morning:

(I rung him up to leave a message – it basically said “sorry I missed your call, had my phone off, speak to you another time, night).

00:04
Him: I’m almost scared to listen to the message in case its not good. I’m not home yet so couldn’t speak. You’ve been on my mind all day, feel bad about the weekend.

00:05
Me: Its not bad promise ;) don’t feel bad, its ok.

00:09
Me: Why would you think I’d leave you a bad message xx

09:31
Him: Sorry fell asleep on the sofa, miss you. I thought it might’ve been bad because of how I made you feel last week...I made a huge mistake.

09:32
Me: :( I know. I have been upset but I’m willing to put it behind me if you are.

09:33
Him: What do you mean?

09:36
Me: You just said it was a mistake that you didn’t come. Meaning you wish you had? Meaning you want to see me again? I’m willing to overlook you not coming if I get to see you again.

09:38
Him: Thank you, but how do you think of me now? Will I still get a kiss and a cuddle?

09:39
Me: I think of you the same – there’s no way I’d be able to keep my hands off you. You know what I texted the other night.

09:43
Him: Sorry which text? Was it before I screwed everything up?

09:46
Me: No after, doesn’t matter I’ll blush! You didn’t totally screw it up. We’re still hanging by a thread. Just don’t turn me down again or I will have to let you go, I can’t take the pain :( I want you so much

09:54
Me: (the message I meant was I said “don’t feel crap there are people who love you”)

10:19
Me: argh don’t go quiet, I really really want to see you, and you haven’t screwed things up. I still think you’re lovely n absolutely gorgeous xxx


Then I got really scared and rung him up saying that he hadn’t screwed it up and that I wanted to talk later cos I missed it.

He hasn’t replied but I’m assuming it’s cos he’s busy working, or getting ready for work or something.

I can’t be given hope when there isn’t any again, I just can’t – it’ll break me. At the moment I’m daring to hope a little bit because he said it was a huge mistake and that he thinks about me all the time.

I just want to hear from him :(