part III – a conversation

I suppose what prompted me a little bit to start documenting again, me and Bri were having a big chat earlier. Yesterday we kind of had a ‘state of the union’ type conversation, mainly about the night shift and our sleep patterns are messed up – it feels like we hardly see each other sometimes and it’s getting silly. I don’t want to feel like ‘room mates’ when we’re clearly not. I do stay up all night on his time frame so that we can go to bed at the same time, and be awake at the same time, but it doesn’t always work. I get lonely and bored, yes I work on stuff and I’m doing my crafting and art etc. but there is only so much you can do within the confines of a house (it’s night so there’s nowhere else to go).

I sometimes stay round my parents’ house for some company in the evenings, which is nice but still not very practical. They still go to bed at a ‘normal’ time and I still stay up late, so I get company but only for a few hours then I’m alone again. Plus whenever I leave I feel a little bit strange and maybe even a little guilty.

Anyway, the point is that after our not so pleasant discussion about things yesterday, we got over it as we always do and today we were having a better discussion about our exs, specifically one of his, the one before me. Now I’m the jealous type, I’m the type that gets jealous of exs for some reason. The fact that they had him first isn’t appealing to me. I don’t really like hearing about it or thinking about it – but I think hearing about it is better than my brain thinking all sorts. So we had a general discussion about how they got together and why, and other general things and I looked at the end of year degree show catalogue when she was at Chichester (gner and pner she was there too, And she had my halls room before me grrrrrr just silly coincidences but still grrrr hehe).

It seems like from the outside it was better than it actually was. Now he talks with hindsight of course, and was saying they were kind of thrown together because of uni (they went to uni at the same time, she did fine art – another coincidence, and were friends first then got together). I think I like talking about this stuff, in kind of a masochistic way (being the jealous type), but not really because it kind of made our relationship seem better by comparison hehehe! (but it is better anyway ;)).

I also talked about some of mine, and some of the dates I’ve been on – the fact that I’ve not really been in a relationship like this before (and maybe that’s why I feel jealous – because he has, but in fact like I said, it seemed better from the outside that it actually was).

In the past I've tended to 'use' people for my own means, to be with people only when they can give me something, then move on to the next. That sounds horrible, but it is practical in a sense - to be associated with people who are assets and can enhance your life. When they stop with the enhancing, enhance it some other way.