first blog in a loooooooong time

I feel compelled to write somehow. I do like to keep a diary, hopes, dreams, fears, doubts, goals, aspirations – if they stay the same or whether they fade as soon as your pen lifts from the paper.

At the moment life is...ok. It’s not brilliant, but it’s ok. Chugging along as my mum would put it. I’ve left uni – at this moment a decision that I don’t regret, but only time will tell whether this is in fact the right decision. The more I think about it (and it’s a constant thing) the more I believe that degrees are for one: useless – I know countless people who have one and are struggling to even Find a job, let alone one that is related to their field of study. I also believe they have lost their prestige. Educated people are no longer valued – it is celebrity that is revered, who’s gained the most weight, who’s had the most surgery, who ‘earns’ the most without giving any away (blah blah off point somewhat!).

I also believe that fine art degrees (and any arty farty non-vocational course) are particularly useless, in that they will not lead to anything in the future, unless you have a picasso-like talent, a wodge of cash to back it up, and a hell of a marketing strategy that can make your tiny head poke out of the water of the literal Ocean of people who do the same thing (and probably) a million times better than you.

I have started my own business. I say started – what I have actually done is set up a new account on eBay, made a logo and sold a few sheets of paper and card blanks for not exactly a profit. But it’s a start. I’m so determined to make it work, it’s my dream job for a number of years since. I even tried it once, didn’t work though because all I had was the idea and not the gumption, money or inclination to put the time in.

My boyfriend is my soul mate. We knew that right from the start, we knew it from the moment we met. I think of my time now as ‘the time before I knew you’ and ‘the time I knew you’. A house is not a home if he’s not in it with me. It just doesn’t work without him. He’s everything to me, a friend, a lover, a partner in crime – a partner in every sense. We look after each other and the love is there unspoken and all consuming. I know I wrote about how I felt right at the beginning, within the first few days of knowing him – I look back on that now and it’s still all true. And somehow I know we’ll be together forever. I just know without knowing why, and without wanting to know the physiological reasons behind companionship, without questioning that the things portrayed in Cinderella and Sleepless in Seattle are True.

Hehe.

We’re in a bit of a rut at the moment – he doesn’t like his job because it’s unfulfilling and beneath him (a person with a first class degree stacking shelves?), I have left uni and am basically not doing a lot (trying the business thing but right now it kind of feels like playing at it). We also had a long talk the other day about the nature of true love. Things like – some people spend their whole lives looking for ‘The One’, so what do you do if you find it right at the beginning? Is the chase the thing? Do people forget to live in their endless pursuit of love? What happens when you both know the other person is all you’ll ever want or need, what do you do with all that time and energy that would have been used to keep on searching?

I have come to an interesting conclusion on that one – Anything We Want.

Hehe.

But the conclusion we came to together at the time of the discussion was that we each must have something to give the other person – there must be something we have to do in our lives and there must be some way the other person can help in a way only they can. I think my purpose is to get him out of the ‘small town’ mindset, the thing about having a job being your only worth, his inner critic silencing any ambition that may have a hint of coming forward, things like that – to help him realise his full potential by being behind him all the way.

Turns out my friends at uni weren’t much as friends after all. It was the summer that did it. I went back to Yorkshire with Brian and we lived quite happily in each others pockets for the 3 months. Trouble is, no-one contacted me. No-one asked how I was doing, what I was doing, was I ok, still alive even. Never mentioned meeting up. I know friendship is a two way street – but that’s just it – TWO way, they have got to meet me in the middle somewhere and somehow! It can’t just be up to me. After that I think it was subconsciously in me to sabotage the friendship, wean myself away, and eventually leave them all together. The uni house could have worked, could have been brilliant – friendship overload, four people who care about me and like to have a laugh all together. But, it didn’t. So for a good few months now Ben, Becky, Danny, Kieran and Lizzie have become just the four of them and I have reverted back to Elizabeth and will be replaced by Other Ben next year in a new five bed house.

Me and Bri will be going out into the great unknown. We’ve been thinking about London. We’ve been dreamily toying with the idea of America. Any big city would do it I think. I think for me I just need a change. Another one. I tried to change by going to uni, but it just ended up a bit crap on all fronts. Nothing worth keeping or fighting for, nothing worth saving – nothing worth protesting against. It’s just......it seemed to end awfully fast. Which is a shame. But there you go. Onto bigger and brighter things. I actually did look at some rings the other week hehe big blushes :P Truth is, we don’t need it. Would be nice to seal the deal and show people we’re serious, but what could be more sealed than this anyway? I’m not going anywhere and I seriously doubt he is either.

Anywayyyy. I got back in touch with Craig Geddes while I was still on facebook (I’ve left now by the way, too studenty and trivial – I want to keep my head in the real world for a change). We went to school together, and the most notable thing we did together was that we both took AS technology. I believe we were the only two that dropped it after the first year as well, me because it was falsely sold to me as a graphics course, when really it was a product design course. Him because he left the whole school after the first year. I don’t exactly know what he did after that but it’ll probably come up in due course.

I always liked him, he was kinda different to most people. He was still one of those ‘non-conformist conformists’, he wore a long black leather coat for attention and listened to rock. But he was still a little bit different somehow. Intriguing enough to give my time to anyway hehe! And he still is interesting to me. We talked on the phone last week, because I was a bit upset about the house situation. I haven’t seen him in years and he got out of bed to talk to me. That’s the type of person I want to be associated with. I’m hopefully meeting him over Christmas sometime.

Well, I just thought I’d voice some things I’ve been thinking about. I’d like to get back into journaling/blogging/diarying/scrapbooking (seeing as I’m selling the papers now hehe). I think it’s quite interesting to document your life. If only merely for your own pleasure and your own little carved out piece of the world.


That brings me onto another topic that I will address later – Individualism.